School has been ok, but I'm really not interested in many of my classes. The class I am interested in is huge, and it's a little hard to like being in a huge crowd full of people competing in the direction of healthcare. Most of my classes I'm in now, I sit in them and think to myself, this is the competition I'm facing for getting into Nursing School. Sometimes I feel confident that I'm better than at least half the other pre-nursing girls b/c of my work and volunteer experiences - other times I feel like I'm up against equally and more qualified people, and that I'm at the bottom 30% (like, if 100 people were accepted, I'd be the 70th chosen).
So that has made life less pleasant for me as I compare myself to them. I try and remember not to be proud, and to try my best, but it's a little discouraging sometimes. Then of course, sometimes I wonder, do I really want to be with these girls, soo annoying. Pride...it'll kill me one day.
My only non-prerequisite course that I'm taking is Asian American Studies 240: basically, non-traditionally recorded histories of Asian Americans in the 1800s. I was very interested in it when I signed up, but my professor, I swear, his enthusiasm and excitement really makes me uninterested in being in class. It's interesting, (like, did you know that there were ~500 Chinese in WI and other midwestern states in 1880? not just in CA and NY) but I just feel like he's too jumpy, and it really makes me nervous sometimes, I can't relax when he frequently interjects and interrupts himself with new, brilliant, novel ideas, "have you ever thought of it THIS WAY?!? - wow, that's amazing, we're pushing the borders of history"
I'm getting more nervous about applying to nursing school. I think deep inside that I have a good chance of getting in. But my parents have been talking about other schools, Edgewood, Oshkosh, LaX, Concordia, maybe MN - I'm feeling sick of it just thinking about having to transfer to another school, extra essays and maybe moving out away from Madison. Sure, it may "save some money" - but I thought the plan was to stay in Madison, and now it seems like that's not the plan. *big sigh*
I hadn't planned on writing out this much, it's really mostly for my benefit to analyze my life without filling my journal with thoughts to be shoved away.
Let me share the good in my life.
*THE GOOD*
ib) I finally found a teacher with the time, ability, and kindness to teach me hmoob. I'll be catching buses out to the Northside to learn every other week from her, and to tutor the other weeks some of the older siblings of my lovelies at the preschool. I really enjoy being there and watching them learn and learning different words from them. We have a mutual curiousity for each other, the kids and I.
ob) today at preschool, I was shifted to the baby room. I had the twins for most of the time. I couldn't spend time trying to distinguish them - all my time was spent trying to comfort one or the other, or both. They're new to preschool and they kept crying for their parents. I had a better workout carrying around the babies (they would cry when I sat down) than when I went to the gym the other day. One would cry, then the other would join in; we had about 20 minutes when they were both calm during the whole 3 hours.
But when baby in my arms was calm, she'd put her head on your shoulder and quietly breathe and stare and wrap her arm around your neck. We had a moment of sitting in the rocking chair when we both almost fell asleep.
One of the staff there, she's wonderful, she asked me, "does this make you rethink if you want kids or not?" oh yeah...no kidding. but the calm times are so wonderful, and things are just quiet and peaceful.
peb) for those of you unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of my bad nights and my sad times, this is especially for you.
yesterday I told him again the variation of "I don't think it'll work and I don't want to ruin the friendship by trying" - except this time, I really feel like what was said after I said that puts everything in a different kind of certainty, a positive certainty for once. I know he understands that I want to keep the close friendship for many years and that a gamble, and going out with him, I know it's a losing gamble.
I appreciate (what a formal word) - I'm deeply grateful to him that he still wants to keep the friendship and that we'll still talk. I'm deeply grateful for his friendship. I'm deeply grateful that he respects what I believe and tries so hard to be accepting. I'm slightly less grateful that he puts such a high value on my schooling - but...that's how he is. I'm most grateful of all that he wants the best for me, whatever that may be, and that he will step down to let me have it.
I thank God, thank isn't a strong enough word... I'm most deeply indebted to him for everything, for all the privileges I have, to be able to go to school, to have a family that I can get along with, to have close friends, to have so many jobs, the list would go on so far... but today, I am most grateful that he has answered months of prayer and put each of us back on a course more in line with his perfect plan for each of us. I am so grateful that he has put someone so understanding, such a good friend in my life and that he has guided us in around a maze where so many choices could have left so much hurt. Instead, we're safe and we still have the friendship which will last longer than a number of relationships.
I am grateful.
plaub) it's night now and I have a warm room, and a warm kitty,
when things go badly, I always write down a reminder,
God is good, all the time.
God is good, all the time.
things are mixed now, but I still remember that he is good all the time.
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