Adopted, We Can Do Better - a not-so-short review from Joan

So my friend J is great at reviewing musical artists and movies, but I'm no good at that kind of thing...just gonna spill it all out.

I checked out Adopted, We Can Do Better from the library system at school (they even purchased it with my online request!) and I watched it all in a day

which isn't to say that it was great.

I appreciate the work that was done to create this documentary. Basically, the camera follows two families.

Jennifer, a 32 year-old who is trying very hard to help her parents understand what it was and is like for her to grow up as an international adoptee (Korea), and her attempt to strengthen the family's relationships before her parents pass away from terminal illnesses.

Juxtaposed with her story is the beginning of a family who is adopting a girl from China after not being able to conceive their own child. They are followed from the night they receive the referral (not sure if this is correct terminology) and when they find out the name of the baby girl who will join their family.

Because this is such a sensitive issue and I have so many different thoughts in my head, I'm not sure where to start. My opinions are still changing and developing and I'm not sure if airing them is such a good idea. I'll try and shape thoughts so that it makes sense if you haven't seen the documentary.

First thought about the documentary when I look back on it is all the hurt that Jenny (and her family) experienced and all the hurt that is in people's relationships.

Adoptees are not the only people who experience this crushing and unstable feeling of not having a "complete" identity. So many people are walking around feeling empty and insignificant and each day I learn a little more about how God fills the emptiness with meaning and significance.

This isn't to dismiss the unique difficulties that international adoptees and inter-ethnic/inter-racial families face. The documentary certainly brings about much discussion about how to raise children who are adopted from another country (which will bring me to my third thought)

The second thought I had, right behind all the hurt that is in the world:

There was a scene where the couple received their daughter, and what was shocking to me about this scene was that the foster mother passed off the girl. I cried when I saw that, heard all the Chinese in the background, all the hustle and excitement. Something just rose up in me that was angry, that the girl could not stay with her foster family, how the newly adopted parents semi-dismissed her 'the foster mom is temporary, we are her forever family and the sooner this happens, the better it is for her'.

It's complicated for me to sort out my thoughts, not being an adoptive parent, not being caucasian, not being any of any of that.

- The foster mother, I'm mixed about whether she should have passed off the child. In Baoji, our policy was not to let foster parents pass off children. Children were brought back to the fu-li-yuan for a week to acclimate them to the ayi who would transport them to Xian. It's traumatic all around for the child, that's obvious. But I'm not sure if it was better for the foster mother to pass off 'her' child to the new parents (to meet the parents), or if passing off the child to fu-li-yuan staff would have been more appropriate.

-The foster parents deeply care for these children. and I'd go on and on about this, but I'm digesting this "gotcha" day that was so joyful for the parents and so mixed and painful for this foster mother.

- I'm not sure if any of these details matter in the long run because in the end the child is most important. But it was definitely a disturbing scene for me, my feeling right now is that I would much rather have had fu-li-yuan staff pass off the child. How can you prepare a full grown adult for this? "In America, your foster child will have a better life that you could ever provide" "you knew this would be temporary" "it's for the better"

I will try and slim down my thoughts. I think the documentary was informative, but I think the second disk We Can Do Better with 5 topics is a better view and resource than the documentary (the topics also reference the documentary with scenes)

• Identity for the transracial adoptee
• Intentions behind adopting
• Parenting the adopted child
• The MultiRacial Family
• Tough Questions

It's definitely geared toward transracial adoptions (though kind of light on the non-Asian adoptions) with interviews with psychologists, counselors, adult adoptees and adoptive parents with a few community interviews.

I liked the tough questions addressed, some are:

• Cost of the adoption
• Domestic vs. International
• Trafficking
• Geo-politics

and the thoughts raised:

• how do you feel about an adult in your family that is transracial (the example given was, if you're raising a black child, are you comfortable with having African American friends over, future spouse)
• be cognizant of the struggles that your child "is protecting you from" such as not telling you they were picked on - AND THEN leading them through how to address those issues.
• you don't have to decorate your home like a poorly designed Asian restaurant.
• Culture is more than food and participating in cultural events. The culture that a child from China will most closely associate with is the Chinese American culture, which as an aside does not wear brocade dress for every special occasion. One adoptive parent shared that a lot of culture that is given to Chinese adoptees is like food and dress and activities (which is all well and good) but reflects an attitude of being able to buy culture. Role models, really interacting with people of diverse cultures and not just living near them.
• Not to be racially blind "I love this child and I don't see color" - because the rest of the world will when s/he walks outside.
• spending a year at home with the child for attachment is great
• and more that I don't feel like typing out.

Overall the companion disk with the topics was good, a lot of new things that I haven't yet thought of.

It's a lot to digest, and maybe over the next few days I'll put up a little more. Sorry if the thoughts are incomplete or offensive, I just can't think enough to make sure they work well.

The last thought that I really can 100% agree with (all the above, I agree with in varying degrees) is that we can only do our best on this world. Adoptive parents, biological parents, foster parents; children; government; citizens of the world...that's all we can do.

Be informed and be guided by God, who has everything planned out, but it probably won't be easy, that's not a promise. The promise is that he is with us, is for us, and loves us dearly.

Emmanuel, God is with us, Merry Christmas